Fat, Black, Single, and HAPPY : Reflections on Self-Growth while reviewing Don’t be a Wife to a Boyfriend by Shonda Brown White

Good Day Lovelies,

So it took me SOOOOOO long to come to finalizing this post. Partially because it was me opening up about a very sensitive area that I went through, and secondly, because I needed the perfect visuals to capture just how happy I am with who I am. Thankfully, my reliable photographer Sean Allen of shotbyseandmv.com (shot.by.sean on instagram) for providing these edits right on time. If you’ve been in my personal life for any significant amount of time, than you know my love life has never been something to brag about.   From one tragedy to the next, I can assuredly say that the quest of love is definitely a difficult one.  However, to be fair, part of the reason why my love life was such a tragic mess is because I didn’t truly understand the value of self.  I didn’t see myself as being a woman worthy of adoration, courtship, and at times even respect.  I know that is hard to believe when you look at the woman that you see on social media today or interact with out and about within the community.

Yet, as I mentioned a few weeks ago at the TCFStyle Expo,  I was the girl that accepted diet pills on her birthday to keep the relationship I was in.  The woman I was from ages 19 through 27 was one that became a chameleon for any man she dated. I felt that I wasn’t worthy because every man I dated made it their mission to discuss my weight as a flaw that qualified me to lower my standards when it came to love.  Sadly, at that point, I agreed.  I thought that because I didn’t fit traditional standards of beauty.  Due to this, I always allowed other men in my life to dictate the path and the pace in which our relationships would go. Whether that meant love after dark, hidden from the public eye, or sadly everything without the “title” or making the relationship actually official.

 

In addition, I did everything to make those relationships work. Essentially, being the wife without having any level of commitment past a girlfriend or sometimes even less than that.  Although I am no where near that woman today,  I still found it important to read a book by Shonda Brown White entitled “Don’t Be A Wife To A Boyfriend”, which alone is a bold statement on its own, so you know the book had to be good right? Within the  book, Shonda  presents a breakdown of 10 lessons imperative to assisting women with not falling into relationship pitfalls that often lead to unhappiness. Here they are listed  below:

1. Lesson One  – Accept Self -Love Before You Accept Love From Someone Else
2. Lesson Two – Let  it Flow, But Don’t Get Stuck In the Gray Area
3. Lesson Three – Don’t Think Of Him As A Piece Of Clay You Can Mold Into What You Want Him To Be
4. Lesson Four – Don’t Expect Different Results Using the Same Habits
5. Lesson Five – Don’t Confuse Love With Lust
6. Lesson Six – Make  Yourself Priority While You Can
7. Lesson Seven – Don’t Make Excuses For People Who Need to Be Excused From Your Life
8. Lesson Eight – Don’t Be a Wife to A Boyfriend
9. Lesson Nine – Don’t be that Girl: Over 30 and Worried
10. Lesson Ten – Nothing Happens Overnight: Things Take Time

When I read the chapter list above, there was enough tea to sip. I knew that  I was going to take in so much wisdom without fully engaging into the books’ pages. What I particularly loved about this book is the direct approach and personal antidotes the author included to paint her points.  I wish I could breakdown each lesson specifically, but then you would probably get tired of reading or not purchase the book, which is a MUST READ! I personally related to every lesson in this book as I feel that my 20’s was filled with trying to accommodate everyone above loving myself to start, and then modifying who I thought I was supposed to be based on the needs of others.  I often felt that the projection of my sexuality would leave to love (Now, I actually am abstinent and excited about it). I related directly in Lesson Five because I often felt that the more I conceded to the sexual demands of the men in my life, it equated to love on a different level, when in reality was the furthest from the truth.  Sex can never and will NEVER lead to true love. I made excuses for the actions of others that devalued me thinking that “It was me that needed to change because I’m not considered beautiful compared to my peers”, so lesson seven stood out so much to me.  I think many of us make excuses in our love life because we just don’t want to let go and go back into that familiar place of being alone.  We are conditioned to think singleness is bad or that means that something maybe wrong with you.

When PCOS onset at the age of 23 (although now, I know I have had it since my teens, I was just misdiagnosed), I felt ashamed of who I was as a woman.  Due to that, I allowed myself to be controlled in relationships, which often led to that gray area that is spoken of in Lesson Two of Mrs. White’s Book.  Which in turn, led me to feeling trapped and unfulfilled with love. I didn’t prioritize self in any matter, and often let others drain me to a point of emptiness and pain that seemed unbearable for many many years. Sadly, I was living in a repetitious reality most of those years thinking that what I was doing would eventually work in my favor.  I saw my girlfriends make many of the same choices and would always seemingly  “win” at love. However, I had to realize that what works for one woman, may not work for the next, especially if you are a woman of size.  Society always makes a difference for women of size when it comes to love and relationships. We could be the homie, the funny one, or the desperate one,  but never the desirable that was hard to obtain  Due to this, my actions, solely in my opinion, were always not welcomed when dating because I wanted to stand firm but was expected to give in due to societal views.

Although I’ve conquered many of these  insecurities now, reading this book reminded me of a place I had been a long time ago. Thinking back, I wish I had this kind of resource available to me when I was still in self-discovery mode.  Lastly, what  I truly appreciated about Don’t be a Wife To A Boyfriend, is that it really shows how Mrs. White transitioned into finding the love of her life by gradually discovering her worth throughout her young adult years.  I think your 20’s, especially as a plus-size woman, is such a fragile time, because as much as you’re an adult in age, you’re transitioning so much from being under the care of your parents.  It is a time of trial and much error, and those errors sometimes create so much damage emotionally if not navigated correctly.  I went through therapy, tried all the dating websites you could think of, lowered my standards, but at the end of it all…..the number one thing that I left out was accepting Myself as I am, where I am, and loving that woman in the mirror.

Now at 32, almost 33, I sit content in who I am and know exactly what I will accept from men and people in general. The lesson that stuck out to me the most is Lesson Nine – “Don’t Be That Girl: Over 30 and Worried”.  With all of my girlfriends getting married or have already married, it can be hard at times to be the only ‘single’ one.  So many people think that its ‘you’ causing your singleness instead of it simply not being your time.  I tell people constantly that I needed to reach this place that I’m at today before I could ever be a wife to someone else.  I needed to become in love with myself to not tolerate disrespect, disregard, and disloyalty.  I needed to finally identify with my value, because it is not the responsibility of others to value you…if you aren’t putting the price tag on yourself FIRST. I had to unapologetically  enjoy my journey being a fat, black, successful, woman.  Some may say race, size, and level of success don’t play a roll in men committing to you, but I beg to differ.  In my experiences, one of my main issues was because I was smart, striving for success, and fat, that somehow I would be unwifeable (I was told this for many years).  I even had family members say to me that if I lost weight, I would probably attract a husband faster. However, I think anyone thinking such nonsense should just learn how to be seen and not heard so much.  There is nothing wrong with any woman who strives to be successful who doesn’t fit the accepted stigma of traditional beauty.

These days I trust God, and my faith doesn’t waver in the fact that I will be loved, and eventually be a wife. I don’t allow the external pressures sway me into thinking that just because I’ve made it over 30 without kids or being married, that I’m flawed. There is so much pressure placed on women to marry and be mothers, when simply it’s not every woman’s dream.  It is unfair to even judge a woman that isn’t a mother or married by 30 as a woman with “issues”. The reality is, I LOVE being single, not because I don’t welcome companionship, but because I love myself and actually enjoy dating on MY TERMS.  I am at a place in life where I have full control over how I receive love and who I receive it from, which is more empowering than you could ever imagine. I exist in full happiness with my life and who I am as a person. I think existing in this space is   essential before you can really be a successful mate to anyone. Often we hear people speak on bringing two halves to become whole in a relationship, but I believe that it takes two fully-whole individuals to truly win at love. Don’t bring half of anything to the table! Be able to offer 100% of everything prior to trying to love anyone.

Overall Ladies, if you are struggling to reach this place of happiness, I strongly suggest you pick up a copy of Shonda Brown White’s book, you can purchase it Here.  It is most definitely an awesome tool for self-discovery and encouragement.  If you agree with anything in this post, let me know what you think below.

With Love,

LoLo