Cysta 2 Cysta Series: Finding Femininity Past Fertility

Hello Lovelies,

This blog post is probably one of the more emotional ones for me to write and open up about. However, part of my platform is to be the voice for those women that suffer silently. Too ashamed to express everything they go through dealing with PCOS and the pain and sadness the symptoms can cause a woman’s’ life. One of those traumatic symptoms is fertility issues or downright being infertile.  I still remember at 23 being told that “I will more than likely endure fertility issues” and leaving the doctor’s office in tears and disbelief. One of the most rewarding and beautiful aspects about being born female is having the ability to cultivate and give life to a small innocent being that will grow to be an extension of who you are. Playing an essential part in creating a lineage that will hopefully continue to carry on far past your days on earth. Leaving that doctor’s appointment left me numb, lost, questioning my faith, and filled with anxiety and sadness.

Before I knew of anything I wanted to truly be in life or accomplish, I knew that I wanted to be a mother.  I had always daydreamed of motherhood, and in fact, took on a secondary mother role to my younger brothers. Being the eldest of four and for many of my early years, growing up in a single-parent household, I was forced to be responsible at a very young age. I began learning to cook at age 7 and was responsible for ensuring my oldest younger brother was cared for while my mom worked multiple jobs to provide for us.  I was making sure we got to the bus on time, he was getting his snack after school, completed his homework before going to play, and being the time-keeper to get us both back into the house before the street lights came on.  We were two peas in a pod, but not just because of sibling-ship, because I felt the need to care for him in every way. I knew spiritually in so many ways my mom needed me to be her help, her consistency, her other dependable source of strength as she continued to press forward to provide. I took pride in that role.

Then 12 years later, my mom married and got pregnant with my youngest brother. I was probably the most excited person ever to know that I was once again going to have another life to love and live for.  Unlike most middle school girls concerned with boys, fashion, and going to the mall constantly; I was soooo into my little brother.  That isn’t to say I didn’t have my moments where I just wanted to be around my home girls, but for the most part my brothers were and still are my world. My mom taught me how to make his bottles, change his diaper, how to bathe him, burp him, and overall step in for her when needed. I still remember going on walks with my little brother when we were at my other brothers football games, arguing with him over what color underwear he wanted to wear when it was time to get ready for pre-k. Picking him up from school when I got home, feeding him, helping him with school projects, and all of the above. You name it, I was there to do it. So much so that my youngest brother always calls me his second mom.

Take it one step further, in church, I made it my mission to work in the nursery, because I loved to be around small children and loved nurturing them.  In my mind, I just knew I was going to be a mom! I never questioned it a day in my young life that I would ever face the possibility of not being able to conceive. At 16, in the cafeteria during lunch, I would always talk about wanting 5 kids and a big family. Now of course with time and experience, I realize 5 is a bit much to care for, but children were never an accomplishment that I didn’t think I couldn’t achieve. Yet at 23 years old, I realized that this may be a dream or goal that I may not reach. For years to follow, I couldn’t even hold children or look at them without tearing up or outright having a crying spell. It broke my heart to even have to endure the possibility of never experiencing motherhood. Every time I would listen to a woman complain about her children, I would think to myself “At least you can have them”.  I felt like I was inadequate as a woman once diagnosed with PCOS, and being told that pregnancy will be tough. Alongside other symptoms, I literally felt that my femininity was stripped from me.

If you don’t know anything else about PCOS, just understand it is the number one cause of infertility and spontaneous miscarriages. The body’s hormonal load just doesn’t recognize the fetus as ‘safe’ for the body, and essentially your body attacks it, which causes the difficulty in conceiving. Knowing this, I felt like a broken woman compared to other women around me. I just felt disappointed that my body didn’t function normally, and that essentially due to my hormones, I was not feminine enough any longer. Fast forward a couple of years after that,and experiencing my first taste of miscarrying, I slipped into a very emotional and dark space for almost a year. Although it was a blessing due to the fact that me and the potential father weren’t in a stable enough relationship to raise a child together, the reality of PCOS came full circle.  My body proved that PCOS was indeed a beast once I found out I was no longer pregnant.

So the question then becomes, what do I do to manage and maintain feeling feminine knowing that my body doesn’t necessarily work like most women around me? These are some of the steps I took to get back my confidence in my womanly power:

1. Affirmations

To some this may sound so silly but for me I literally had to learn how to speak kindly to myself again. I had to develop a habitual practice of reminding myself that no matter what my circumstances may or may not be, I have to be kind to myself. God makes no mistakes and I had to find the beauty in my disappointment to be able to pull someone else up.  For a solid 6 months I would walk around the house affirming things to myself or scribbling them down on pieces of paper as reminders. As crazy as talking to yourself may sound, it served as a part of therapy.

2. Therapy

Yes you read that right.  Sometimes prayer is not enough by itself (and I am a firm believer in God) and you need someone to just help you reason with it.  Fortunately, I was able to find one that was faith-based through one of my close friends recommendations.  Airing out and being able to cry in front of someone without lack of judgement or the thought of your trust being broken is major.  Bottling up emotions can take a toll on your physical health along with your mental health.  I found myself becoming isolated and hiding from my loved ones because I was too afraid to be weak for them. I was afraid to scream and express that level of vulnerability to anyone. Having someone on that served as a neutral presence truly helped me get through many issues I suffered with aside from facing fertility troubles as well.

3. Writing

Blogging was something I knew I was going to do, for years, but never was consistent with it. However, with the build up of disappointments and emotional baggage, writing served as a way to also release all the pinned up energy and help me feel slightly lifted in spirit.  In addition to the affirmations I would write out the confessions of my struggles so that I could learn to accept exactly who I was. I was still a woman, with or without children. I still was beautifully and wonderfully made regardless of what I didn’t have. However, writing these things out, admitting weakness, sadness, guilt, and shame during my healing served as a strengthening tool.

4.Indulging in Beautiful Aesthetics

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than being surrounded with beauty.  I enjoy traveling and indulging in cultures, artwork, makeup, music, and anything that reminds me that there are many parts of the world that are beautiful. The energy I gain from submerging myself in beauty inspires me to live and treat myself beautifully. I am completely in love with beautiful spirits, creative spirits, and feminine energy. It reminds me that I am a woman and that beauty was a space for women to exist in. Many of my fashion choices and focuses are very feminine or sexy as it is how I have learned to embrace my anatomy, even in moments when I feel less than a woman due to my symptoms. One of the primary reasons I began this journey into modeling was to restore my sense of womanhood and feeling like I was indeed beautiful, regardless if my body was always at war within.  I wanted to be surrounded by beautifully unique people and embrace that environment. I didn’t think I would be half of what I am today, representing so many women who struggle silently or being praised for my confidence but I greatly appreciate every piece of it. The road of course has its challenges, but the rewards and being able to connect and find other women like myself has been empowering and fuel my passion to teach, reach, and nurture women into becoming confident. I look at every woman and young girl that I can touch as my “child” so to speak, so it fulfills that void of not having actual children of my own.  Modeling gives me life to give to all those women needing that boost of inspiration and confidence to accept the gifts bestowed on them by God.

5. Finding Healthcare Providers that TRULY Understand

One of my missions was to find a provider who actually would understand PCOS from a different view, not just regurgitate text book language or the latest research study completed at NIH (Although I love NIH and it was my first real job out of college). I searched and searched until I found a primary care physician who understood my plight because she too had PCOS, so her compassion level was different. She understood that simply yelling take metformin and exercise was not going to fix the problem just like magic. She understood the fatigue spells, the anxiety, the shift in hormones, and the scary side effects of all things compiled with being a cyster. I felt like I had a voice and that my struggles were not in vain.  She assured me that when I’m ready to try again to get pregnant she will provide me with every tool in her power to make the process work. Just getting that reassurance felt peaceful and I thanked God for finding her.  I encourage no matter what your chronic condition is, that you find a compassionate medical team. That makes all the difference in so many ways when navigating through health problems.

I now sit at 32 years old, still childless, and still hoping that it is within God’s Will for me to have children on my own. However, I no longer allow myself to feel less than a woman because my situation will be unique. I no longer feel ashamed for not being able to get pregnant easily or feel like i’m not feminine just because my body operates a bit different. To anyone reading this, YOU ARE AS BEAUTIFUL, FEMININE, AND POWERFUL  as you tell yourself you are. Nourishing your mind and spirit with the right things will be what keeps you in those moments of doubt.

With Love,

LoLo